Best Friend.

What is the definition of a best friend? Most people say it the person that you are closest too. The one you tell your secrets too. Your closest and dearest friend. I guess everyone has a definition of their best friend.

I have a few of them. A couple of them don't care for each other but I know that either of them would do anything for me. And I would do anything in my power to stand with either of them. But that is not what this post is about. Its about the one that I had but lost.

I would like to say that we have been friends forever although it seems that way it is simply not true. We met somewhere in my 9th grade year at youth group. He was always nice to me even though I was younger than him and we didn't hang with the same crowds. He was crazy in love with the love of his life Joy and I was super jealous of their closeness... I wanted what they had. Any way life did what it does and we lost touch. Sure we were friends on social media, blah blah blah. But we didn't really hang out or chat much. He had a beautiful family that he adored. And to tell the truth I was still jealous of what they had. Only now they had added a beautiful little boy to it.

Fast forward a few years, as they were going thru a tough spot and separating and I had just went thru a nasty break up we became real friends, I guess you could say. Over the next couple of years, he was my person. Not romantically but in every other sense of the word. If something happened in my life, good or bad, he was the first person that knew. It didn't matter if it was the middle of the day or the middle of the night. I knew that if I called He would answer. He was my lunch partner, my therapist, my protector and most of all the true meaning of my friend.

He gave the best bear hugs from anyone I have ever gotten. Those hugs were the ones that got me thru some pretty dark and scary moments in my life. When I thought that my life was better off over he could talk me off of a pretty high ledge. When he didn't trust me to not take my life he would drive over to my house, again no matter what time it was and take the pills out of my hands and my house and take them back to his house for a few days until I was ok again. During that few days, he would call every few hours just to see if I was ok. He always made some other excuse as to why he was calling but I knew exactly what he was doing because if I didn't answer within a few minutes there was a knock on my door.

He begged me several times to move into his spare room so that he could make sure I was ok. I always said no.... I ended up moving back to what I considered home in May of 2018. 5 months and 2 days before Hurricane Michael would rip my world apart and almost take my life as my roof fell around me. He flipped out because for 4 days he couldn't get ahold of me and couldn't get into Bay County to find me. Once he did he begged again for me to come home with him as I had nothing left and was sleeping in my car at that point. I wish upon all wishes that I would have listened to him that time. Because that would have meant that I would have a year of memories with him.

Little did I know then that exactly 1 year from the day my life almost ended.... his did. My entire world fell apart that day. It was truly worse than any breakup I had ever felt. The worst hurt took over my soul. He taught me so many things about life and how to get thru it. But the one thing he never taught me was how to live this life without him.

In the days and weeks that followed, I did my very best to walk beside Joy and Ty as best as I could. We went thru his house and sorted thru his things and tried so hard to get ready to say goodbye to him. That last part was a joke....I wasn't ready, she wasn't ready and I don't think Ty was either. Who am I kidding, I don't think I would ever have been ready, truth be told I still am not.

In getting ready for his memorial service we looked thru every single picture that he had, that I had and in all the time that we spent together, there was not one single picture of the 2 of us together. NOT ONE! Sure I have plenty of pictures that I took of him but not 1 of the two of us in the same picture. That truly hurt my heart.

In the days, weeks and months that have followed since his death I have looked at every single picture he sent, listened to every single voicemail that I had saved, and developed the most incredible friendship with Joy.

Tonight as I sit here and write this post in his shirt, I am reminded to cherish every moment. For you never know when it will be your last. What I wouldn't give for one more bear hug, but then again that would only leave me wanting one more. Abercrombie and Fitch cologne will never smell the same on any other guy, but I find myself looking for you when I catch a whiff of it. Hoping beyond all hope that this is an absolutely horrific nightmare that I am going to wake up from.

When I was home this last time, I went by to see Joy and she gave me one of your long sleeve t-shirts, one of your favorite fleece jackets and your bottle of AAF cologne. God I miss you!

Thank you for Joy... for now without you, I certainly don't know what I would do without her.

I know you are so proud of Ty. That kid is one smart cookie....although I think he gets that part from his momma. Until I see you at the gate... you will never be forgotten. I love you!

Sincerely, Me

Chasing My Serenity