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Let me just start this by saying I HATE DOCTOR DAY!

I dread them from the moment I make the appointment. The questions, the answers which are never ones I want to hear. The lets do more of these tests or those tests... your A1C is super high, your this is out of whack, your that is off the charts.... Lets change this med, lets increase this or decrease that. Maybe we should reconsider the insulin pump. I am just so tired of it all.

This medicine makes you drowsy, this medicine you have to take with food, this one 30 min before food. Don't forget to stick your finger for your blood sugar and take your 5th shot for the day. WHY CANT I JUST BE NORMAL!

I say that and instantly regret it because there are people that have it so much worse than me. I know there are people fighting for their lives and losing those battles and so far every day I have gotten to wake up on this side of the ground. I am still able to walk although some days that seems to be getting harder. But so far I still am. I can still get out of bed most days. it may be a slow seemingly excruciating process but I can do it.

I feel like I shouldn't feel sorry for myself. Like I should just suck it up and keep going, but on doctor days its just a little harder to put the smile on. I tell myself every morning, head up, shoulders back, and keep moving. Paint a smile on your face and don't let them see you fall. Most days I can do exactly that. Today wasn't one of those days.

I have gained 13 lbs since my last visit in April. Thank you to the round of steroids I had to take for the Lupus flare that made me feel like I was carrying 1000 lbs bricks on every inch of my body.

My A1C is 15. Totally my fault. I LOVE FOOD. It is my comfort. Its the only thing I have sometimes. and to be honest, sometimes I JUST DONT CARE! and then again there comes the shame. I have no right to complain because I do it to myself. However I didn't choose to have chronic illnesses, I didn't choose to be wrongly diagnosed at 19 and be put on the wrong medications for the next 20 years for them to figure out that oh wait, you are in stage 3 kidney failure.

So today it was lets add 4 new medicines, set up new appointments ASAP with the endocrinologist, the rheumatologist, the psychiatrist. You need a mammogram because you have a new knot. And lets revisit the insulin pump when you see the endocrinologist because your pancreas has completely stopped working, if it ever truly worked at all. Lets do more bloodwork and a couple of these meds might make you tired... even more tired than the severe exhaustion that is already your every day life. Oh and by the way you cant see the endocrinologist until the middle of October, the rheumatologist until November and the psychiatrist until August. You will need to call back and schedule the mammogram to a number that is freaking rocket science level to get thru to a person. I am not a rocket scientist, I still haven't gotten thru.

The four new meds today are for the severe leg pain that is happening in the middle of the night that wakes me up at least 5 out of 7 nights in tears. 1 for insomnia because I can never go to sleep. I might get 2 hours at a time if I am lucky or my body says screw you were are going to sleep for 15 hours which happens about 1 or 2 times a month. 1 for Iron because my hemoglobin is so low even on a hemaplex iron. and a new add on for depression and anxiety because I am losing my middle ground, I am either an absolute emotional mess or an anger nut job who wants to punch people.

With all of that being said I am tired. Next doctor day in 6 weeks with her to see how the meds are working.... lets see how it goes. ....

This is the daily regimen..... some of them 2, 3 or 4 times a day..... I find it ironic that as I was laying it all out to do the bedtime routine that the computer in the background that I was getting ready to write this blog on popped up with Your battery is running low..... with Congratulations flashing in the background..... Really this is the story of my life.... my battery is always running low.

So I will leave you with this.... I have no spoons left today!

This is Sincerely, Me.

Chasing My Serenity.

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