Updated: Aug 1
Today has me questioning my worth. Why am I not good enough? What did I do wrong? Why was I not worth your friendship? I kept all your secrets. I spent long hours when I was needed. I stopped what I was doing and ran when you called, But no matter what I did, it was apparently never enough. Because when I became unable to do those things you disappeared. When life got extremely hard for me, you bailed. I had your back when people were talking about you. Hell, I had your backs when both of you were talking about each other. Now you are the best of friends. Business partners even. I got sick and wasn't useful anymore. When I needed you it was too much for you. In my brain I know that I did everything that I was supposed to do. In my mind I know it wasn't my fault. But here I sit.
I am angry with myself for having chronic health issues, for not being healthy, for not being enough. Guilty for something that I have absolutely no control over because someone didn't want to be my friend. I will be 47 this month. You would think that I would just chalk it up and move on. But in moments I was immediately the girl back in high school that people were "friends" with but not really FRIENDS with. The girl that never really got invited out to hangout or to a party. Not that I would have been able to go because I was being raised by very protective parents. But being invited would have been nice.
Countless nights and weekends I sat in my room and cried because I was left out. All of my friends were at birthday parties, and sleepovers and doing all the things. I would hear all about it the next day or week, not because they were telling me about it, but because I was sitting in class or out back during lunch while they were talking. reliving, and laughing about it.
I was the girl who wasn't good enough. I didn't have the right clothes or the right shoes, or live in a nice house. I had frizzy hair, glasses and hand me downs. The one thing that I had that maybe some of the others didn't, were parents who absolutely loved me. Even when my own bio mom didn't want me, they chose me. I held on to that a lot. My mom would do things for me and be there when everyone else let me down. I think that was the one person who truly got me thru those hard school years.
Today within a matter of seconds of reading a stupid fakebook post, I was right back to that teenage girl that wasn't good enough. I keep telling myself who cares what they think. I am 46 years old. I have a family that loves me. I have a few amazing
friends that love me. So why does this hurt to the core? It feels like I am on some karmic roller coaster to learn a lesson I don't understand. I have never felt so petty in my life.
This is just me randomly spewing my thoughts with my heart on my sleeve while chasing some sort of serenity that I am just about convinced doesn't exist.