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One Spoon at a Time

Day 8 Post Stroke. I still feel like crap, I still don't feel human. My face still won't fully smile. My eye isn't straight and the one that looks like it should only sees fuzzy things if the other one is covered. And I am exhausted. But I am going to dinner anyway. Today was hard. I am so overly emotional today is is unfreaking believable. I have cried at the drop of a hat. I'm over it! maybe a short trip out of the 4 walls will do me some good. It didn't.

I used to try to figure out how to explain to people how I felt and that taking a nap or getting some rest wouldn't fix me. At some point in my chronic illness journey, I ran across the spoon theory. If you don't know what that is then please google it. It is not an end all be all for me. But it is as close to the actual feeling as I can get.

Some days I wake up with lets say 12 spoons and I have to figure out the most important tasks to me for the day. Then I have to figure out how many of my spoons its going to take to get said tasks done. Mind you depending on how I have slept or if I have slept 1 to 4 of those spoons are already gone. Just by opening my eyes and turning on my brain. (yes I do indeed have one... I saw it on a scan this last week).

Moving on... I have woken up, I have thought about my day and what's important. Now to actually make it happen. Is there enough energy to get in the shower. ( That involves stepping over a tall sided garden tub with an unsafe step) Some days there is and other days you have to really think about what you did the day before or if you can get away with just bathing from the sink. Gross I know...but these are the things you REALLY have to consider. Getting dressed is another spoon or 3 and most of the time requires rest breaks between pieces of clothing. Sometimes even between feet when putting on actual socks and shoes.

Next up... Breakfast... is that bowl of cereal or oatmeal really worth the work it takes to make them. Cause that is definitely going to take a spoon or two to make and then at least a spoon to actually eat whatever you made. Most days for me, it isn't worth the spoons. Remember I only have 12 if I have that many for the day. Some days, I have used some the day before so I have started out with less than 12.

Then there is work if you are blessed enough to have a job that will work around your days that you can actually work. That takes at least 5 spoons, between the drive to get there, actually mentally applying yourself to the job and the drive home. Sometimes it requires a lunch nap to make it thru the day. ( I have a huge comfy dog bed (thanks, Joy), a blanket and a pillow in the back of my SUV to accommodate for said lunchtime nap.

After all of that; there is getting home, taking a break, changing out of work clothes, taking a break, Making dinner, taking a break, eating, taking a break, brushing my teeth, taking a break, holding a conversation about my day, taking a break, getting ready for bed, taking a break...

Sleep peaceful uninterrupted SLEEP....yeah right. Take medicine, which causes insomnia. take melatonin to combat insomnia, toss and turn 3000 times to be in pain in every single inch of your body. Finally drift off to sleep at 445am to have the alarm go off at 5am. To do it all over again with less spoons than the day before.

Welcome to my life.

Sincerely Me, Chasing my Serenity

Picture Below doesn't belong to me. Found on Pinterest.

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